Ok ... I think it is time we added more humor to this site!
#1: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
#2: Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A: a Buccaneer!
#3: "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot." - Groucho Marx
#4: "Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon." - Abbie Hoffman
#5: "The only genius with an IQ of 60." - Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol
#6: How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Ten. 1st draft. Hero changes light bulb. 2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb. 3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death. 4th draft. Lose the light bulb. 5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten. 6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor. 7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten. 8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb. 9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it. 10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.
#7: A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
BA DA BING! AND NOW FOR A WALK TO THE PIER AND BREAKFAST AT A NEW RESTAURANT ON MAIN!! Later gators!! :-)
I spent most of the last three days with Doug. The majority of that time was spent in giggles – mine, not Doug’s – although he did seem to smile a goodly bit!
Following are only a few of his giggle-inducing comments …
•CANCER FOR LUNCH. “People buy lunches for you after you’ve been terminated from a job … and they also buy lunches for you after you’ve told them you have cancer. Cancer lunches are definitely better!”
•COOKIE CRUMBLES. “Fig, Newton?” “Eggs, Benedict?” And the cookie kept crumbling … but I stopped taking notes!
•COSMETIC SURGERY. On May 26, Doug is having surgery to line his lungs with talcum (it reduces fluid seepage). “They’re lining my lungs with talcum to increase my inner beauty.”
•DESCRIBING THE VISIT TO HIS NEW SURGEON. “He had a razor sharp wit … an incisive sense of humor …. “ grooooaan … I developed a mental block about the rest of his comments in this category!!
•ASHES AND ASHES. When driving through Mill Creek Canyon and discussing where each of us would like our ashes dispersed, I explained I’d like the same ceremony for myself that he was describing. His response: “Well, it would be more convenient if you died right now since we’re already up here.”
Isn't there some way to install audio on this site, for rim shots and shit?
ReplyDeleteOk ... I think it is time we added more humor to this site!
ReplyDelete#1:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
#2:
Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: a Buccaneer!
#3:
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
- Groucho Marx
#4:
"Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon."
- Abbie Hoffman
#5:
"The only genius with an IQ of 60."
- Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol
#6:
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.
#7:
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
BA DA BING! AND NOW FOR A WALK TO THE PIER AND BREAKFAST AT A NEW RESTAURANT ON MAIN!! Later gators!! :-)
This is how I imagine Doug would have been as a child discussing religion! :-)
ReplyDeletewww.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=89715119360&h=IhbpZ&u=q3WE9&ref=nf
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ReplyDeletehere's a more direct link to Genette's post:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQak6ng0RXQ&feature=related
I spent most of the last three days with Doug. The majority of that time was spent in giggles – mine, not Doug’s – although he did seem to smile a goodly bit!
ReplyDeleteFollowing are only a few of his giggle-inducing comments …
•CANCER FOR LUNCH. “People buy lunches for you after you’ve been terminated from a job … and they also buy lunches for you after you’ve told them you have cancer. Cancer lunches are definitely better!”
•COOKIE CRUMBLES. “Fig, Newton?” “Eggs, Benedict?” And the cookie kept crumbling … but I stopped taking notes!
•COSMETIC SURGERY. On May 26, Doug is having surgery to line his lungs with talcum (it reduces fluid seepage). “They’re lining my lungs with talcum to increase my inner beauty.”
•DESCRIBING THE VISIT TO HIS NEW SURGEON. “He had a razor sharp wit … an incisive sense of humor …. “ grooooaan … I developed a mental block about the rest of his comments in this category!!
•ASHES AND ASHES. When driving through Mill Creek Canyon and discussing where each of us would like our ashes dispersed, I explained I’d like the same ceremony for myself that he was describing. His response: “Well, it would be more convenient if you died right now since we’re already up here.”
Say goodnight, Gracie!
Genette